Bridget (bridgetee) wrote,

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i just don't know what to do with myself.

It's been quite some time.

Summer was quick. Actually, I feel like it should be about mid-July now. Having to take classes from May to July 11 really through me out of wack. I'm so used to having no school after mid-May and then when you throw in having to be at the elementary school until the end of June, I feel like summer never came and then it was already over.  Working at camp too made me feel like I didn't get much of a break. The first week of camp was the last week of classes at Marist so the whole summer was devoted to work, either schoolwork or otherwise.

I loved working at camp though. The job itself isn't great but it did end up being pretty fun. During the school year, all my friends are away at their schools or they've moved on and don't come back to Wallkill anymore so I'm left working at the school with people who are pretty much all 20 years older than me. It was nice to work with some people in my same age bracket with my same sense of humor. Unfortunately, having fun didn't equal a very big paycheck so now I'm suffering financially. Oh well, everything's a trade-off.

I started classes at Pace this week. Well, not at Pace - online at Pace. I've really been struggling with the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. The Marist program was a means to an end: I needed to be in school to have my health insurance. But now this program in Publishing is supposed to be for something I really want to do. I know it's just the first week (well, half of week really) but the material is just really not interesting me. Maybe it's just these particular classes. Maybe it's just because I haven't gotten my books yet. Maybe it's a lot of things, but I'm starting to think this isn't the right path either. Plus, I don't even really like NYC. It's nice to visit once or twice a year but I hate crowded places and I can't really imagine myself living or even working there anymore.

I'm second guessing my decision not to go into teaching. I wanted to be a teacher my entire life - until I went to college. And honestly, I can't even remember why I changed my mind anymore.  I really can't picture myself being a teacher and being happy with it for the next thirty years of my life but the thing is, I can't picture anything I would want to do and be happy with. If I'm not going to find something I love to do, at least teaching guarantees that I would have health insurance and summers off. 

When I sub at the school, I see the other people that teach and I think that's really what's pushing me to think I should've taken education classes and gotten certified. I listen to people who did not go to colleges with the reputation of the college I went to teach the kids information that is just wrong. For example, last year I was in a classroom where the teacher taught the kids about acute, right and OBTRUSE angles. Um, I'm sorry but I think you mean obtuse.

But I think I don't want to become a teacher because I could never imagine myself getting through the student teaching. I have a major confidence problem and I think that everyone sees me as a failure. I don't know whether it's true or not. I also couldn't imagine myself ever dealing with parents. Just working at camp for six weeks, I saw how difficult parents can be, especially with the younger kids. Not that I can blame them, but I think it would be very challenging to have to deal with them all the time.

Basically, the only thing I have going for me is that I know kids like me. In all the jobs I've had that involved kids and in Big Brother/Big Sister, I know that the kids like me and feel comfortable with me.  But that doesn't make a good teacher.

The bottom line is I need my health insurance so I have to stay in the Publishing program. But I feel like I'm going to be unhappy in my job for the rest of my life. And that's not a pleasant feeling.
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